Sinking Feeling On Wily Winston

Sydney Morning Herald

Friday March 3, 2006

Christopher Henning

It is 2026. Greenland and Antarctic ice sheets have melted, raising the sea level and flooding much of Australia. A vast watery expanse with the flagpole of Parliament House, Canberra, sticking out in the distance. An inflatable dinghy enters left, carrying four people: Janette Howard in the stern, wearing a large hat and carrying an umbrella. John Howard, completely bald with white eyebrows, is next to her. Peter Costello is rowing. Tanya Costello is in the bow.

Janette: Oh I'm so bored. Tell himto go faster.

John (Familiar strangled duck voice): Go faster, Peter. (Peter rows a bit faster then slows to his previous pace.)

Tanya (Looking over the gunwale into water): I think we're near it.

Janette: Tell her to stop that at once. It's rocking the boat.

John: Peter, tell Tanya to pull her head in.

Peter: Right. That's it. I'm not rowing. You've insulted my wife.

Janette: Tell him he is still rowing.

John: You are still rowing, Peter. (Peter angrily resumes rowing.)

Tanya (Pointing down into the water): Look: There's the roof. (John and Peter took over the side, tilting the boat.)

Janette: Stop that at once. (Pokes John with umbrella. He sits bolt upright.)

John: Yes, dear.

Janette: And tell them both they've both got to stop it.

John: You've both got to stop it. (Peter and Tanya sit up.) Well ... heh heh heh ... Here we are: The Lodge. And here's the keys. Enjoy.

Peter: What am I supposed to do with these?

Janette: Oh for God's sake. So now they don't want our job? Useless. (Pokes John.) Tell him to take us back to the refugee camp.

Peter: No, no, no. I do want it. But we can't disembark here - we'll drown.

Janette: I knew it. Afraid of a bit of water. Pansy.

John: Heh heh heh. I guess I stay on then.

Peter: Wait on. Since I'm PM now, you two should get out.

Janette: How dare he. The idea.

John: (Stern) You are unfit for high office, young man. If the party hadn't drowned, it would still want me to lead. Give me those oars. (They start a tug-o'-war with an oar.)

Janette (Eyes gleaming at conflict, fists clenched, teeth bared): Skitch 'im, Johnno. Kick 'im inna nuts.

Tanya: Heavens ... look. (She points to where an immense cyclone is forming.)

Janette: Who asked you, missy? (Pokes Tanya fiercely. She falls overboard and drowns.)

Peter (Resigned tone): Really! I must protest. (Cyclone sweeps in, huge waves overturn boat, and the remaining three drown.)

© 2006 Sydney Morning Herald

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